May 2024

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This Downtown Apartment

By Amanda Earl

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This Downtown Apartment

By Amanda Earl

we moved to this two-bedroom

forty-year old high rise in our late

thirties and now I am sixty

grateful it is cheap comparatively

and includes utilities

its southern exposure grows plants

slants the light to keep me from depression

during the harshest winters

at forty-six I was carried out of this apartment

by ambulance when I was near death

we have had meals at the dining room table with friends

salmon with wasabi sauce and a bottle of wine

this apartment is full of books

and ceramics and gifts 

I see it as a source of shelter now

if we can’t afford anything else this

apartment will keep us from harm

I laugh at how I used to be afraid of the elevators

out of sheer anxiety and imagination

now I fear starvation, ill health, lack of insurance

I always gave money to those who live on the street

but no more I have to be careful

keep track of loose change and five dollar bills

that I used to find crumpled in my pockets

I don’t know what we spent our money on

my husband’s salary was more than we needed

I think now I feel foolish for not saving it

for this rainy day when we are flooded with insecurity

I am a fool who lives in a humble downtown apartment

with my husband we have no car and own nothing

grateful for the slow heating old stove and small refrigerator

the low flow toilet that doesn’t always flush the first time

a balcony to watch the pigeons flock and swoop

grateful for electric heating that dries my skin for the clutter of books

and the scratched linoleum in the kitchen

rent control, an insect free bed

for now, grateful for now but who can tell

what’s coming

Amanda Earl (she/her) has been a working writer and editor in multiple genres for over twenty years. Her mission is whimsy, exploration, and connection with fellow misfits. She has published poetry, visual poetry, short fiction, and a novel. In 2024, she began a $10 per page editing and $25 per half-hour virtual mentoring service for poetry, fiction, visual poetry and hybrid works, and has helped several clients with strengthening their writing. She has done collaborative workshops with Kate Heartfield and Matt Jones. She is a queer writer, visual poet, editor, and publisher who lives on Algonquin Anishinaabeg traditional territory, colonially known as Ottawa, Ontario. Earl is managing editor of Bywords.ca, and editor of Judith: Women Making Visual Poetry (Timglaset Editions, Sweden, 2021). Her books include Beast Body Epic (AngelHousePress, 2023), which was longlisted for the League of Canadian Poets Raymond Souster Award, Genesis, (Timglaset Editions, 2023), Trouble (Hem Press, 2022), and Kiki (Chaudiere Books, 2014; Invisible Publishing, Canada, 2019); A World of Yes (Devil House, 2014) and Coming Together Presents Amanda Earl (Coming Together, 2014). Her latest chapbook is Seasons, an excerpt from Welcome to Upper Zygonia (Full House Literary, 2024)

More information is available at AmandaEarl.com and https://linktr.ee/amandaearl. You can also subscribe to her newsletter, Amanda Thru the Looking Glass for sporadic updates on publishing activities, chronic health issues and joy in difficult times.

Image description: Woman in purple fleece with dark glasses

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