Feb. 7, 2022
Audio
I’ve Dis-identified with Myself
By Suzi Garcia
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I’ve Dis-identified with Myself
By Suzi Garcia
My anxiety takes shape in bursts behind my eyes,
mushroom clouds when I wake in the middle
of the night. I dream about walking away from it all:
throw away my wallet, my phone. After all,
I have been ghosting people since before
it was a word. I crack my knuckles, anticipate
the satisfying snap my laptop would make
as I take it apart with my hands and heels, cracking
the screen like ice that floats on top of puddles. My fear climbs
up my throat in a hiss in the dark. I spend hours imagining
the inside of my veins: an X-acto going through my skin is easy,
a little tension then that beauty of relief
under blade pressure. I feel dried up: grainy rust coated
where blood should flow. In my closet, I make an ofrenda
to the thick eyeliner that shaped the adolescence
I’ve never honored before: Taki colored gloss, Avril Lavigne lyrics,
hoop earrings that reach my shoulder. They swing
and pull until pain is not holy, but part of my daily bread. Lighting
the candles, I don’t ask for peace for who I was. Instead, I pray
to become Not-Me, the one I see in the mirror, bright lips
that stretch, stretch
and never seem to burn.
Suzi Garcia
Suzi F. Garcia is the author of A Homegrown Fairytale (Bone Bouquet, 2020). She is an executive editor at Noemi Press, and a Poetry Editor at Haymarket Press. Her work can be found in Fence, Denver Quarterly Review, and more. You can find her at www.suzifgarcia.com or on Twitter at @SuziG.
Image description: A fat Latinx woman in a black shirt with brown skin, dark brown hair, and a nose ring is laughing. Behind her is a bookshelf and two vases of flowers.